Episode 3: “When I Set Limits, I Lose Approval”

Catch this episode on Apple, Spotify, or Android. 

If you’ve ever dreaded setting a boundary or saying a simple “no” because you’re worried someone will think less of you, this episode is for you.

We’ll dissect the sneaky, deeply ingrained fear behind that hesitation and discover why creating a clear limit doesn’t have to mean losing people’s respect or affection.

You’ll hear real-life examples, uncover ways to allow your nerves instead of avoiding them, and learn how setting one small boundary can open the door to more calm, productivity, and genuine connection. 

Join me as we transform the anxiety of letting others down into a surprisingly refreshing path toward honoring your own needs—and keeping your relationships intact.

What You'll Learn

• The root cause of the limiting belief “When I set limits, I lose approval,” including how survival-based fear of rejection drives people-pleasing tendencies.
• Ways to spot the subtle (often subconscious) thoughts and body signals that indicate they’re saying “yes” out of guilt or fear of disappointing others.
• A method for allowing uncomfortable emotions—such as guilt and anxiety—without letting them sabotage their boundaries.
• How to question worst-case scenarios (e.g., imagining catastrophic disapproval) and gather real-life evidence that the world often doesn’t collapse when they say “no.”
• A bridging thought strategy to shift from the old story (“I always need everyone’s approval”) to a new, more empowering belief (“My boundaries can help me and those I love”).
• A practical, incremental step to practice setting and holding a single, clearly defined boundary to build confidence and reduce overwhelm.
• The idea that setting limits can ultimately strengthen—rather than jeopardize—relationships, by preserving energy, reducing resentment, and improving authenticity.
• How to transition gracefully into a more self-honoring mindset, moving away from perfectionistic people-pleasing and toward balanced, joyful living.

Episode Transcript

SEGMENT 1: INTRODUCTION

Do you ever catch yourself saying “yes” even when you’re mentally and emotionally at full capacity? This is almost a rhetorical question, am I right? Because we all just do this. We jump at opportunity and responsibility almost reflexively. It feels like it's in our bones. A sign up sheet used to be like cat nip to me, and I was never conscious of why. For most of my life, I never paused to untangle whether I was doing something because I actually wanted to or because I was believing I should. This is because I used to get a lot of dopamine for doing what I thought I should. So if your plate is also too full and you don’t know what to do about it, or if the very thought of say no reflexively makes your stomach drop, then you’re in the right place. Today, we’re tackling the subconscious limiting belief that goes like this: “When I set limits, I lose approval.”

I started to set boundaries in earnest about a year ago. Picture this: I’d just decided to create a sacred morning routine from 5:30 to 6:30 am—time for journaling, a cup off coffee, and maybe a quick workout before the kids wake up. Except I had a problem: I also felt compelled to manage every detail for my children from the moment they opened their eyes. I was so subconsciously worried about my partner thinking I was slacking or that my kids would think I was uncaring if I wasn’t present for every moment. So rather than asking him to handle the kids for that one hour, I didn’t consistently honor my commitment to myself.

I’d hop out of bed and start my morning practice, but the second I heard footsteps or a child calling for breakfast, I’d abandon my routine. I’d scramble to feed the kids, find their clothes, and get their teeth brushed, all on top of trying to squeeze in time for myself—unsuccessfully, of course. By the time the kids were out the door, I was exhausted and surprisingly resentful, thinking, “Why do I have to do everything myself?” Worst of all, I wasn’t really showing up for my partner or my kids in a calm, present way, nor was I taking care of my own needs. I also wasn't investing time in their independence because I was rushing them along, which is something I'm having to really double down on now.

I have now figured out that my lack of commitment to my own boundary wasn't actually about me being some loving, superhero mom—it was about that knot in my stomach whenever I thought of letting my family down. I didn't want to make the ask. I subconsciously thought that I might be risking my family’s disappointment or losing their opinion of me as the “capable one.” But I didn't pause to investigate this for over a year.

This is a small, everyday scenario, but it’s actually a perfect snapshot of how we overload ourselves. Sometimes, a boundary is about saying “no” to your own unrealistic expectations of yourself rather than responding to someone else’s request. We think we’re doing the right thing by handling it all, but in reality, we’re setting ourselves up for burnout and even resentment toward our loved ones. That’s the cycle I want to break today: turning that guilt and fear of letting someone down into genuine, self-assured calm.

So let me ask you this: What’s one recent scenario where you tried to do it all—maybe an early workout or work project—and refused to ask for help or shift a timeline because you didn’t want to disappoint someone? Did your body tense up, or did you feel a pang of dread when you realized you needed help? That’s the sign right there. You’re overriding your own boundary to avoid discomfort.

SEGMENT 2: CREATE SELF-AWARENESS

So let’s zoom in on that fear loop a little more and see what’s really going on inside of your head. Most of us aren’t even aware we’re caught up in it because it sounds so logical in the moment: “I have to stay late at work, or my boss will be upset. I have to keep my house perfectly tidy, or my guests won't have a good time. I have to stick to my intense workout plan, or I will be mean to myself when I look in the mirror.”

For many of us, the fear isn’t just that they’ll be upset—it’s that we’ll no longer be seen as someone who can handle everything. That thought alone can keep us saying “yes” far beyond our capacity.

The sneaky part? We don’t walk around thinking, “I’m terrified of disappointing people.” Instead, we justify it by saying, “It’s just easier if I do it,” or “I’m the only one who knows how,” or “I don’t want to be selfish.”

This happens automatically because our brains are wired to avoid social rejection. Historically, rejection could mean separation from the group—literal danger—so your brain basically shouts, “Keep everyone happy so we don’t get kicked out of the tribe!” Yes, that might’ve made sense when lions were chasing us, but now it mostly gets in the way of living our actual lives. In day-to-day modern life, it often leads to overgiving.

The moment you get this out of your subconscious and become aware that your hesitation to set a boundary is actually driven by fear—rather than genuine love or generosity—you unlock the ability to make a new choice. You realize that you’re not solving a real crisis; you’re just avoiding a feeling.

In my morning routine story, I realized that the second I heard the kids, my mind would go, “Don’t let your family be disappointed—go fix everything.” That was fear-based, not love-based. Once I named it—“Oh, I’m just scared because of what I’m thinking about what my family might be thinking”—it became easier to pause and ask whether my fear was founded and, even if it was, whether I could handle it.

The thing is, we are only human. Like a closet full of old clothes that keeps us from maturing our wardrobe, we have to make space in our minds before we can learn something new. When we hold tightly to the belief that saying ‘yes’ keeps us valued, we leave no room to consider how boundaries might actually deepen our relationships and well-being. When you can metaphorically ‘empty your closet’ of styles that no longer reflect the vision of where you're headed, you might finally make space for a calmer way of thinking.

So right now, pause and think about the next time you might feel tempted to say yes or skip your own plans to keep from disappointing someone. If your mind instantly says, “No one else can do this but me,” or “They’ll be so upset if I don’t do it,” I want you to make a mental note. Simply noticing those words as they pop up is your first step to breaking free from the automatic yes.

SEGMENT 3: ALLOW YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Now that you see where your hesitation to set limits comes from, let’s talk about the next step: letting yourself feel the emotions tied to it—especially those uncomfortable ones like guilt, fear, or shame. Let’s be real: the second we suspect someone might be disappointed or upset with us, a whole wave of anxiety can wash over us. And what do we usually do? Scramble to avoid it by saying “yes,” even if we’re already stretched too thin.

But what if, just for a moment, you allow that pang of worry to be there without instantly trying to fix it? Instead of going into action mode, you could say, “Yep, my heart’s racing a bit—I’m afraid of how my friend might react.” By naming it, you create a small space between you and that emotion. This doesn’t mean the fear vanishes; it just means you’re acknowledging it rather than being controlled by it.

Here’s why it matters: so much of our boundary-setting struggles come from wanting to dodge uncomfortable feelings. We’d rather be exhausted and drained than confront our fear of someone’s disappointment. But those few moments of discomfort are a fair trade if it frees you from constantly living for other people’s expectations.

Just like stepping into cold water, the initial jolt of saying “no” or delegating a task might feel intense—but you adjust. The fear or guilt won’t last as long as you think, and you might even find you’re stronger and more self-assured on the other side.

So before we move on, I want you to picture a moment this week where you know a boundary is in order. Imagine saying it out loud, then feel your body’s reaction. Let that reaction exist, take a breath, and remind yourself you’re allowed to experience a little discomfort in service of your bigger well-being.

SEGMENT 4: ANALYZE YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Okay, now that we’ve explored how to let guilt or fear be there without letting it hijack your actions, let’s go one step further: let’s actually look at what really happens when someone is disappointed. Because that loud, anxious voice is telling you, “If I set a boundary and someone gets upset, it’ll be a disaster.” Let’s unpack that.

A lot of us equate disappointment with catastrophe—like if someone’s unhappy, we must have messed up horribly. But the truth is, other people’s feelings belong to them. Sure, they may feel bummed or annoyed, but that doesn’t automatically mean your boundary was wrong. In fact, it might be the healthiest thing for everyone involved.

I remember a client—let’s call her Sarah—who was nervous to tell her sister she couldn’t babysit. Instead of getting back to her right away, she procrastinated on the communication. We discovered together that Sarah was subconsciously worried that this one “no” would change their dynamic, even if it was just for a few days or weeks. But when Sarah finally said, “I can’t watch the kids,” her sister responded with a casual “No worries, I’ll figure something out.” And even if her sister had felt disappointed or responded differently, Sarah had coached herself to a place where she could handle it. This is a huge lesson that I had to learn and keep relearning every day: It’s actually okay for someone to be let down. It’s a normal human emotion, not the end of the world.

So take a moment to think of a situation where you’ve avoided setting a boundary because you were sure it would spark the worst-case scenario. Maybe you pictured your friend being devastated if you skipped her last-minute invite, or your parents guilt-tripping you forever if you didn’t come home for a holiday. On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is it that it’s truly as bad as you imagine? If you’re not 100% sure it’s going to blow up, there’s room to question whether your brain is just doing what brains do: leaping to conclusions.

And here's something else I'd like to offer you. Boundaries aren’t cement walls; they’re more like signposts guiding you toward a balanced, more present life. There’s a Buddhist teaching about the finger pointing to the moon: the finger (your boundary) is not the ultimate goal; the moon (your peaceful, authentic life) is. We can get so hung up on the boundary itself that we forget it’s pointing us toward more ease and real connection.

Here’s a powerful exercise: write down your absolute worst-case thoughts—like “They’ll never speak to me again” or “They’ll think I’m a horrible person.” Then ask: “Could the opposite be true?” By naming that possibility, you weaken the grip of the catastrophic fantasy. You also show respect for others’ capacity to manage their own emotions. They’re allowed to feel disappointment, and you’re allowed to set a limit.

SEGMENT 5: ALIGN TO WHAT YOU WANT

Alright, so we’ve reached a pivotal moment. You’ve identified the fear loop. You’ve practiced allowing those cringey feelings of guilt or worry. You’ve shed light on and started to gently question the catastrophic assumptions around others’ disappointment. Now it’s time to align yourself with a new, more empowering belief that actually serves you and those around you.

Sometimes, jumping straight from “When I set limits, I lose approval” to “Boundaries are amazing and everyone loves them!” can feel too big. That’s why I love to use a bridge thought—something like, “It’s possible my boundaries help everyone.” It’s gentle. It acknowledges you’re not fully convinced yet, but you’re open to the idea.

Ultimately, we want to get to something like: “Boundaries benefit me and those I love.” Why is this so powerful? Because when you respect your own capacity, you’re able to show up more wholeheartedly for others. You have more energy, more patience, and fewer hidden resentments. If you’re consistently saying “yes” out of fear, you’re actually doing a disservice to your relationships. A boundary set with honesty and kindness can foster deeper trust and connection than forced compliance or subtle, unconscious attempts at manipulation ever could.

I want you to take a moment right now and visualize yourself standing firmly in this new belief: “Boundaries benefit me and those I love.” Picture a specific boundary—maybe it’s your morning routine, logging off work at a certain time, or saying no to a volunteer request. Can you visualize how you might stand a little taller and speak with a calmer, more collected tone? Imagine how others might respond to that version of you. AND imagine how by doing so you might empower another woman to uphold her own boundary.

SEGMENT 6: TAKE AN INCREMENTAL ACTION STEP

We’ve covered a lot of ground: recognizing the fear loop, allowing tough emotions, analyzing disappointment, and shifting your mindset toward a healthier belief about boundaries. Now it’s time for action.

Here’s the challenge: pick one boundary—just one—to set or honor this week. Maybe it’s powering down your laptop at 6 p.m., not answering texts during dinner, or safeguarding that morning routine like me as if your sanity depends on it. 

Step One: Write It Down – Put the boundary in one sentence: “I stop working at 6 p.m. no matter what.”

Step Two: Communicate – If someone else needs to know, tell them: “Hey, just a heads-up, I won’t be available after 6.” If you need to remember, put a note in a place that you will see it.

Step Three: Honor It – When 6 p.m. rolls around, do what you said you’d do. If guilt or worry comes up, let it be there, and remember why you’re doing this.

Yes, someone might react—they might grumble or roll their eyes. Let them. Chances are it won’t be nearly as bad as your imagination was telling you. Even if they’re disappointed, that’s not automatically your fault or your responsibility to fix.

Step Four: Celebrate the Win – Seriously, notice how it feels to protect your own well-being. Did you gain extra time for yourself or your family? Did you have more mental space for creativity or rest? That’s what boundaries do: they help you reclaim your energy.

The truth is, even a small boundary shows huge growth. You’re proving you matter, that your needs belong on the list—maybe even near the top. If it feels awkward, that’s normal. Keep going.

And if you want extra support as you put these boundaries into practice, check out my Choose Better Thoughts Coaching Program. It’s a space where we tackle real-life issues and practice boundaries until they become second nature.

That’s all for this episode. We’ve gone from people-pleasing to a place of inner peace, from the fear of letting others down to realizing boundaries can benefit everyone. I’m genuinely proud of you for doing this work. Next time, we’ll dig into another sneaky limiting belief that might be quietly running your life.

Until then, remember: “It’s possible my boundaries help everyone.” Keep that in your back pocket, practice the steps, and watch how your life shifts. You’ve got this!