Episode 2: "I Have to Do Everything Perfectly"

Catch this episode on Apple, Spotify, or Android. 

Ever find yourself stuck, waiting for the stars to align before you dare speak up or tackle a project?

This episode flips that script by showing how noticing and allowing your perfectionist urges can free you to take imperfect but meaningful steps.

You’ll see why a little “mess” often leads to deeper growth and how bridging beliefs can gently move you from stressed silence to confident action.

If you’re ready to do more than just dream of flawless moments, tune in and discover a kinder, more doable path to real progress.

What You'll Learn

• How perfectionism quietly shows up in daily life (e.g., hesitating to speak up unless you’re 100% sure, or tossing an entire plan if any detail is off).
• Why these tendencies are rooted in early experiences and beliefs about worthiness and performance.
• How naming and allowing the emotions that arise—like anxiety or fear of judgment—lets them pass more quickly.
• Simple questioning tools to challenge whether perfection is really required and to reframe success when things aren’t pristine.
• The power of bridging beliefs that gently ease you from “it must be perfect” to “imperfect steps still help me.”
• A practical action plan for starting, completing, and celebrating something in a less-than-perfect (yet still effective) way.
• Strategies to embrace more spontaneity, authenticity, and ease—so you can live your life rather than forever polishing it. 

Episode Transcript

SEGMENT 1: CREATE SELF-AWARENESS

Let’s jump right into tackling another sneaky belief a lot of us deal with: “I have to do everything perfectly.” If you’ve ever avoided speaking up in a meeting unless you had the ‘perfect’ answer, or skipped a workout because you weren’t totally motivated, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I will be super honest—I’ve skipped SO MANY workouts in my life just because I wasn’t feeling 100% motivated. My brain’s like, “Welp, conditions aren’t perfect, might as well binge Netflix!” I'm in a bit of a place with my fitness right now because I keep imagining perfect workout weeks instead of just getting started. But that's ok. This work is about giving ourselves grace just as much as it is about reaching our goals.

But let’s look deeper at where this perfectionism comes from. It’s not random, and it’s definitely not just you. Many of us grew up hearing things like “You’re the good girl,” “the best student,” or maybe we got in trouble every time we made a mistake. Especially if you’re the firstborn daughter—oh man, I feel you! It's like we came out of the womb being hard on ourselves and striving for achievement. Lots of studies confirm this. But, over time, your brain started tying your worth to being flawless. Not on purpose, you just got so much positive reinforcement from it. So now as adults, it just feels like second nature to try to do everything perfectly—partly because some part of us thinks that’s the only way to stay safe from criticism or failure.

Here’s the catch: what was once a survival mechanism can really hold us back if we leave it unchecked. This held ME back for about two years in my coaching business and parenting confidence. Sure, it might keep us from making “mistakes,” but it also stops us and our kids from taking healthy risks or letting ourselves experiment. You end up overthinking, stalling, or holding back your best ideas because you’re terrified that ‘good but not perfect’ isn’t okay. That invisible ceiling can make you do nothing instead of something that’s slightly less than 100%. I wanted to launch this podcast back in 2022, and it's 2025! But again, it's all about giving ourselves grace.

One of my mentors uses the analogy of gardening for growth—it’s messy, unpredictable, and definitely not a strict formula. Trying to force every seed to bloom on your schedule just piles on extra stress. Often, gentle patience gets us further than demanding flawless conditions. I'm here now, talking to you with the faith that someone will find this helpful and a belief in my own voice that only grow through trial and error, and so that timing is now perfect for me.

So let me be crystal clear: noticing a perfectionist streak does NOT mean you’re broken. It’s just an old mental habit your brain picked up to keep you safe. It might’ve been useful in the past, but if it’s cramping your style now, it’s time to call it out and start undoing it.

Here’s a quick exercise: take a moment to think back—when did you first realize you “had to be perfect”? Maybe it was school expectations or a job that never tolerated errors. For me I think it was early reinforcement in school. I skipped kindergarten and always heard that I was bright for my age. This was of course a good thing, in theory, but at some point my little kid brain learned that it was important to be the best at everything academic and athletic, even if you're younger and smaller. In fact, my little brain told me, it's especially interesting because you're younger and smaller. So I took that on as my identity and compared myself to everyone around me for decades. And when I didn't excel at something, instead of allowing myself to be human, I made excuses and tried to catch up instead of just accepting myself as I was...a human. It sounded like this in my head "Oh, it's ok, I'm younger, I'm smaller. I will work harder and catch up fast." Recognizing your own backstory helps you see this pattern for what it is: optional. You get to decide whether you keep it or start shifting toward something more human and realistic.

SEGMENT 2: ALLOW YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Alright, now that you’ve uncovered where your perfectionist beliefs might be coming from, let’s talk about something a lot of us try to avoid—actually feeling the emotions that come up when things aren’t perfect. Because if you’re anything like me, the second you sense you might not hit that super-high standard, you start feeling anxious, tense, or maybe a little embarrassed ahead of time. Often this has nothing to do with other people...we're often super scared of how mean we're going to be to ourselves. This is not a fun way to live life, in anticipation of future stress.

A common reaction is to shove these emotions down, burying them under more tasks and unattainable standards. But what if you paused the moment you felt that pang of worry and simply named it? Instead of beating yourself up for feeling anxious, try asking, “What exactly am I feeling, and where am I feeling it?” You’d be shocked at how admitting, “I’m anxious this isn’t going to meet my own standard,” can almost instantly take away some of its power because you're giving your brain a hint that you might actually be in charge of how you treat yourself, no matter what. I will say it over and over and over...you always have the option to be kind to yourself. Always. In fact, when I listen back to a podcast, I force myself to take out a notebook and only write down what I like about it. No criticism allowed. 

Another big reason naming your feelings helps is because resisting them tends to make them louder. Picture trying to hold a beach ball underwater—it’s going to pop up eventually, probably at the worst time (like snapping at someone during a meeting or melting down during a family dinner). But if you just allow that feeling—kind of like letting the beach ball float peacefully on the surface—it loses a lot of its urgency. It’s not that you suddenly love feeling anxious; you just understand it’s a natural response, especially after years of telling yourself that anything less than perfect equals failure. For me, this was a game-changer. I used to believe anxiety meant I was incapable. Now I see it as a wave that comes and goes while I keep moving forward.

Interestingly, even though it's logical to think that allowing these emotions will slow us down, allowing them can make you so much more productive. When you’re not scrambling to prove you’re above feeling fear or shame, you can channel your energy into real steps—even if they’re not perfect steps. One of my mentors describes taking her anxiety with her like a little purse. She just tucks it under her arm and goes about her day.

Another of my favorite teachers compares emotions to the seasons. They come and go, and none lasts forever. I personally use this season analogy to weather challenging times. I'm in one right now, having moved my family across the country just four months ago, and now looking at doing it again next month. I tell myself, "Ok, this is the season of your life where work takes a backseat. Fitness takes a back seat. This is the season of moving and supporting yourself and your family through a transition. It won't be like this forever." This really calms me down and keeps me focused. And from that grace, I ended up finally launching my podcast in the middle of planning our next move.

Let's bring this back to you. Before you listen on, think about a moment recently when you felt you had to be flawless. Did you notice you were in a perfectionist loop? How did your body respond? Stomach in knots, shoulders tight, shallow breathing? Did you bail on something, overcompensate, or start beating yourself up inside? Next time, try hanging out with that feeling a bit longer before you react. Let the pressure be there and give it a chance to breathe and release.

SEGMENT 3: ANALYZE YOUR HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Now it’s time to gently question whether perfection is really necessary. Let’s be honest: a lot of us say with our logic brain “I know that I don’t need to be perfect,” but the second we miss a workout or botch a so-called gentle-parenting moment, our bodies feel like the sky is falling. So let’s challenge that assumption more consciously and deeply. Let's really get into your brain.

A super simple question to start with is: “Do I really need this to be flawless?” Because often, our brains blow things way out of proportion. If you’re sticking to a workout plan, do you truly need to crush every single workout perfectly, with perfect conditions, perfect sleep, and perfect motivation? It feels so good to our perfectionist brains to make a perfect plan. So I want to challenge you. How can it be okay, even better, if you just plan to show up in your pajamas and walk for 10 minutes? The stakes are almost never as high as we think, and yet we exhaust ourselves by subconsciously aiming for an impossible standard.

Try flipping the script by looking for evidence that life can turn out fine or even better when things aren’t picture-perfect. Maybe you only got halfway through your workout routine but still felt stronger and more energized. Or maybe you snapped at your kid, but later apologized and ended up teaching them about kindness and forgiveness. You're allowed to change your definition of success from being zero missteps to noticing how you keep going despite them. If you can see the growth in everything, your brain can start to see this as the new goal rather than perfectionism. You can actually start to get dopamine from failures, not just successes.

So take a moment now to recall a recent success where, deep down, you know you didn’t do everything ‘perfectly,’ and yet it still worked out. Maybe you overlooked some details at work but still caught them in time or learned a new process. Maybe you only gave that presentation 80% of your best effort, but people loved it anyway. Let those memories remind you that flawlessness isn’t mandatory—it’s often optional, and can even hold you back if you let it rule your life.

SEGMENT 4: ALIGN TO WHAT YOU WANT

So, you’ve recognized perfectionism, acknowledged how it shows up in your emotions, and realized it’s not a hard and fast requirement for success, especially if you internalize that you get to define what success looks like for you in any given situation. This is a loop you can deepen over time with practice. You have the awareness now, but it will fade. At least that's my experience. That's ok. It's a cyclical process that deepens over time.

But now let’s talk about the future—where do you actually want to go, and what’s your new mindset going to be? If you give your brain a vision that moves you, it will fall in line. It’s simply wired to do that. Call it manifesting, call it neuroscience, it works.

To move beyond perfectionism, you need to identify what matters most to you, specifically what is more powerful to your brain than the perfectionist fantasy of never messing up. Is it connecting more with your family? Building a business you’re proud of? Feeling healthier, not necessarily winning a fitness contest? You need something for your brain to latch onto so that it doesn't default to your outdated identity as the flawless one. For me, this is building my business. I decided that I'd rather build a successful business, which requires publicly falling on my face a bunch of times, than hold onto the version of me that appeared impeccable. This was not an easy shift, but now my life is way more fun. I'm way more creative now. Becoming a parent helped me make this shift. I noticed my daughters mimicking my frustration at the tiniest mistakes, and I decided that I wanted to model something different, something more adventurous, something more free, something more aligned with pursuing creativity over perfection.

This is where bridge thoughts come in—statements that feel true enough to pull you out of the perfection trap. For example, instead of jumping from “I must be flawless” to “I’m 100% cool with being messy,” you might try “I can accomplish a lot with ‘good enough’” or “Maybe I value growth over perfection.” Pick a phrase that resonates with you.

Once you start practicing a bridge thought, you’ll notice a shift. Instead of panicking over every minor hiccup, you’ll begin to see obstacles as part of the journey. That shift in perspective can unlock so much potential. You’ll speak up in meetings even if you’re only 80% sure of your answer, or hit the gym for 15 minutes when you can’t do a full hour. You don't even need to plan or force this. When you work at the mindset level, your actions naturally follow. And guess what? You’ll often discover that 80% effort or 15 minutes of exercise still gets you closer to your goals than constantly waiting for that perfect moment. But you have to give your brain a chance to gather some evidence that things are going to be ok. You have to open that door with a thought that sparks a feeling inside of your body.

One trick I love is setting a smaller, more realistic target and celebrating it—like doing a 20-minute walk or writing 300 words of that memo. When you nail it, your brain gets that little hit of dopamine, and you reinforce the idea that progress doesn’t require perfection. I give myself so many treats for the tiniest things. Sometimes I even ask ChatGPT to just tell me how great I am. Sounds crazy, I know, but it works. Over time, that can become your new normal: aiming for consistent movement rather than one big, shining moment of flawlessness.

That’s the sweet spot—where you’re still pushing yourself to grow, but not demanding the impossible.

SEGMENT 5: TAKE AN INCREMENTAL ACTION STEP

Now, if you’re ready for the final piece of the puzzle? Let’s talk about how to take a real-life action step that cements this new mindset. Let's give your subconscious brain some quick proof that you don’t need a flawless plan to make real progress. This week, pick one project you’ve been avoiding. It might be a personal chore, a stale work task, or a hobby you keep putting off because you can’t stand doing it “wrong.”

Step One: Decide you’ll do just the first, imperfect step. If it’s a work presentation, outline the key points. If it’s gentle parenting, try a new approach with your child—even if you’re not 100% sure it’ll be a home run. If it’s exercise, do a 10-minute walk instead of a 5K run. The idea is to prove to your brain that partial or messy action is still action.

Step Two: Do it quickly and accept the imperfections. Give yourself a mini deadline—like 15 minutes or one day—to move forward before your perfectionist alarm goes off. This quick action short-circuits the endless cycle of overthinking.

Step Three: Celebrate the result, no matter how small. This is crucial. Even if your work presentation is only half done or your exercise was a fraction of your normal workout, you took action. That’s real progress your brain can latch onto as evidence that you’re okay—even when things aren’t perfect.

The more you repeat this loop, the more you’ll rewire your brain to see imperfect action as worthwhile. Over time, you’ll realize you can do a lot more than your perfectionist mindset ever allowed. My favorite part? You’ll probably discover you’re having more fun and feeling less stressed along the way.

Ok, so if you’ve stuck with me through this whole conversation, you’re well on your way to loosening perfectionism’s grip. Remember, you’re not broken for having these habits—they’re just old patterns trying to keep you safe. Now, you get to upgrade them. And if you want a deep dive on all these tools—from self-awareness and emotional allowance to bridging beliefs and real-life actions—check out my coaching program, Choose Better Thoughts Coaching. It’ll help you apply these principles to your exact challenges so you can keep moving forward without waiting for the stars to align.

Thank you SO MUCH for joining me today. Your mission now: pick that one project, take one imperfect step, and celebrate it like you just won a gold medal. Because in a world where perfection feels like the norm, showing up as your messy, wonderful, authentic self is an achievement worth celebrating. Happy experimenting, and I’ll catch you in the next episode!